That Awkward Anxiety Post12:39 PM
In case the blog, insane bookish life, and pretty big internet presence didn't give it away, I am an extrovert. A pretty big extrovert. 88% Extrovert, the test told me a few months ago.
I believe it.
I love being around people. I really do. I get energy from their energy. I feel better and saner and healthier just being in a crowd, especially if I'm having fun. Having real-life friendships is hard but I love having a group of people to belong to, to be a part of, to be right in the middle of. I thrive off youth conferences and concerts and all those other moments when you're shoved together with a thousand other people and hugging people you don't know and staying up all hours of the night goofing off with almost-strangers. I love it.
I don't trust people, but I love being around them.
Here's where anxiety and all its glorious perks come in.
I'm starting to figure out the ins-and-outs of this thing and how exactly I can combat it, because I don't exactly want constant freaking-out to rule the rest of my life. I'm also starting to figure out that social anxiety is quite possibly a part of this whole deal, which would explain a lot.
Which is weird, because I'm an extrovert, right? According to the internet I am smooth and comfortable around people and like to hug strangers and party all night.
Except for the times when the doctor asks me what my name is and I freeze up and can't answer her. Or when I have to order coffee and linger for way too long because dang it, I'm going to say the name of the coffee I've had a hundred times wrong and everyone in the place will laugh at me. Or when my new group of school friends must hate me because they're all talking to each other already by the time I come in and I don't follow the conversation. Some of this is normal awkward-teenager-stage stuff. Some of this is not normal and makes it 10000% harder to function when I'm getting older and older and more responsible for things.
|Also, I'm living off twenty one pilots lyrics right now.|
I think this is just a ranting post, actually, but hey.
Right now I'm at a place where I could curl up and cry for several hours and kind of drown in all that anxiety and have a panic attack or two (which still happens but whatever) and pin depressing quotes on Pinterest and stop blogging and let myself be the tragic anxious martyr. But I'm also at a place where I could do the hard thing and use the help I'm getting and get up and go outside and breathe fall air (even though I kind of despise cold weather) and read lots of books and try to get a job and breathe and pray and take comfort in the things I find in my Bible and do my best to live. It won't be perfect, and I'm not counting on this whole bad anxiety thing going anyway any time in the future, but sometimes, you have to choose to try. I think that makes all the difference.
So yeah, consider this a warm fuzzy hug from a fellow anxious person. With blankets. And hot chocolate. And songs like this one. Because in the words of the ever-wise and brilliant Tyler Joseph, life has a hopeful undertone.
What have you been reading lately? Tell me all about it.