Hi, I'm A Mess

7:00 AM


I RETURN.


By some miracle I did not die over the month of August, and I return to you with slightly more structure to my life, a wee bit more sanity, more of a plan for the blog, and thoughts that are gathered in one place instead of scattered on the floor in teeny pieces.
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there is only one acceptable answer.
Over the break, I had a good amount of time to think. And read other blogs. And read other peoples' writing. And scroll through other Instagram accounts. And think. Think lots. (as dangerous as thinking is for me.)

So here's the deal: 

I'm a mess.

When I say that, I want you to understand that I don't mean it in a cutesy way. I'm not slightly disheveled in an aesthetically pleasing way, with too many books to fit on one fancy bookshelf. I'm not just a procrastinator. (Though I am.) I'm a full-blown mess, full of horrible organization, bad handwriting, unhealthy habits, a brain full of anxiety of all kinds, too much stress, too little care for what I look like most of the time, no sense of aesthetic or style, the whole deal. I'm living my life in a kind of whirlpool of low self-esteem at this point, and it's no fun at all. Here's some reasons why: 

- I am not Maggie Stiefvater. I am not a poet. I am not a metaphorical person. My writing is blunt and straightforward and I don't just sit down and write about wanting to live gloriously and being an ethereal creature with wings and all that. I just don't do it. I can't do it. That's not how my writerly brain works. I am too painfully practical and real-life-oriented to be a poet and that's just how it is. I'm a failure of a writer. I don't write beautifully. I won't stand out. My writing is bland. 

- I have zero sense of fashion and aesthetics. WHAT LOOKS GOOD I DO NOT KNOW. Every single aesthetic type I see on Pinterest is kind of...ugly to me? I'm not into pastels. I don't know what I'm into. I'm just an awkward person with no beautiful aesthetic to work on. My Instagram feed is a mess. 

- I do not/cannot take pretty pictures of books. My iPhone camera makes everything grainy and I don't know why. Again, I don't know how to arrange things. It bores me. But I don't take beautiful pictures. I fail there too. 

- my life is not organized. It's not beautiful. I'm a wreck. I sleep in late and eat horribly and exercise only sometimes and I'm not happy with it, but I make lazy look awful, too. I barely study. My lifestyle fits me, but it's not pleasing in any way.

- I'm pathetic and a mess and how I want to approach the world doesn't mesh with any of the aesthetically-pleasing, pastelly, classy blogs and internet peeps out there and I don't even know. 

Do you see my problem? 
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it is me on a daily basis.
We all know the internet is a misleading place. We all know that people aren't actually as nice and neat as the pictures they put up. I don't doubt that's true. I don't need to be reminded of that. I just frustrate myself, because as hard as I try, I can't even put up the image of looking like that in any way. 

And you know what? 

I don't have any desire to

Take a second and think about how stupid that is. I'm sitting here beating myself up over not being pretty and sleek and classy and fashionable and poetic and it's exhausting to even try to be because that's not what I want to be. And it wouldn't make me happy.

Feel free to laugh now. That's what I'm doing. 

The truth is, I am a mess. An actual mess, full of junk food and crying over characters and too much music and too much anxiety and so much wasting time and so much being insecure and my own unique styles and what is the point in worrying about fitting in with an aesthetic I don't want to do anyway? now seems like a good time to tell you that I hold no ill will against this kind of feel, nor do I dislike it. Keep it up, mah lovely classy pastel-y poet frens. y'all are killing it. 

I don't want to try to do that. I don't have time to be a thing that I am not and don't want for myself. well, I probably have the time, but I don't have the energy. Or something. 
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this is a better way to put it.
I don't have my life together. I don't need to pretend like I have my life together. I want to be brutally honest. So. Hey, guys. I'm Aimee. I suck at writing and sometimes I don't want to do it at all. Sometimes I just...don't do it at all. 20% of most of my drafts are me ranting to myself. Little things stress me out. I made this entire blog design myself with a template I found on the internet for free, and honestly, I like it the way it is and I don't feel like making it fancier. I'm bad at school. I'm trying. I don't always do great.

I. Am. A. Mess. And I don't want to make that mess cute. I don't want to glorify laziness, or procrastination, or hating myself, or any of it. I just want to be, and try to improve. I want to be honest. (Are you still following me?) 

With that in mind: 

- I am not Maggie Stiefvater. I am not a poet. Other people are, and other people are amazing at it, and I love reading it. But when it comes to my own writing I write in a more straightforward, blunt, minimalist way, and I use my words sparingly, and that's okay. It can still be beautiful if I keep working on it. Your writing does not have to be "poetic". Different styles of writing exist for a reason. (And the focus should be on my characters and story for me, personally, anyway.) 

- My sense of fashion is shorts and fandom t-shirts and black jeans and boots. I don't care to invest in a fancy punk-rock wardrobe, and that's okay. I prefer things that are comfortable. I don't quite know what my "aesthetic" is, but it is what it is, and that's okay. I do what makes me happy. I don't stress about anything else. I'm just not the person I tried to be before with it. 

- I do not need to take pretty pictures of books. Other people nail the bookstagram (is that what you call it???) thing and I enjoy looking at those pictures. When I attempt it it's just not fun for me, and why should I feel pressured to do something optional that doesn't bring me joy? 

- my life is the way it is. I'm trying to improve my life. There are things I could do better. There are things I could do healthier. But little steps, every day, are the most important thing. 

- God made me the way he made me, with all my preferences and my writing style and the way I approach things. Everything. He does not and did not make mistakes. I am the person I am for a reason. I do not need to bend my personality and the way I do things for the sake of "fitting in", whatever that means. Everyone contributes their own unique style. That's good and perfect and okay. 

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every. single. one of us. we're all killing it.

This blog post has gotten long enough and I won't torture you anymore, so the point is: we're all awesome. We're all unique. We all have our own aesthetics and tastes and preferences and styles and we all have something to add to the mix, something to bring to the table, somthing to whatever-other-phrase-you-want-to-add-here-because-i-can't-think-of-one. We are all a mess. 

We're all kinda amazing. 

LOVE YOU ALL. (hopefully i am back for good now.)

47 comments

  1. I just want to hug this post. Thank you for being so honest! I feel the same way on a daily, nay, hourly basis. And I'm worse than you; I'm not a mess, I'm a Hot Mess. Seriously, all over the place with stress and anxiety and guilt and perfectionist tendencies. But it's beautiful. And it's messy, yes, but it's grace, and it's good. I don't know what else to say to this post because you just nailed it...honestly, vulnerably. And don't ever beat yourself up for being what you are not! I wish I could write bluntly, to the point. When I write, I meander into overly flowery language and struggle thinking that I'm worth anything as a writer, too. But like you said, God does not make mistakes. Keep on being you, mess and all, because you are awesome!

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    1. Thank you! You're awesome too -- let's embrace our messes. :D

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  2. This is awesome. I actually feel like this quite a lot. I feel like I am such a mess and don't have the energy to try and pick up the pieces. Thank you so much for sharing, Aimee. :) God never makes a mistake (otherwise, he wouldn't be God.). He created you to be exactly who you are. And I know you've probably heard that a million times and completely understand that, but it's so hard to believe it, isn't it? To truly believe it with every part of your being. I know it is for me. Again, thanks for sharing!

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    1. I think most of us feel this way, we're just too scared to admit it -- and I was scared to admit it for a long time, obviously. So the beginning of getting through it and being yourself is opening up that conversation and realizing that you're not alone. :)

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  3. Oh my gosh, I feel this so deeply. I am a legitimate mess, too. I've been struggling for about ten million years to understand my aesthetic, and I still only halfway get it, and that's okay. Bookstagram makes me want to cry 90% of the time. My to do list is ten miles long. And now I'm rambling. Agh, sorry. Anyways, I just really resonate with this post. You're the best. Glad to have you back.

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    1. Ugh, same. Being honest about it is hard, and being okay with it is hard, but just remember that you're you, and you're awesome, even if you're not perfect.

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  4. I loved this post so much. The way you described your insecurities with writing really got to me--I'm not much of a poetic writer myself, and I never find my own prose all that beautiful or profound. Plus the struggle of how we present ourselves on the internet vs who we actually are...I really, really liked this one. Thanks. :)

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    1. Yeah, it's really hard to get over the fact that we should all write like that, or that we should all be aesthetic-y and poetic. Sigh.

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  5. This was quite inspirational, maybe it's time I stop trying to fix my mess, and simply embrace it. :D

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  6. OKAY SO.
    I really love this post? I mean honestly, you wouldn't be Aimee if you were Maggie Stiefvater. Which is kind of obvious, I guess, but your straightforward writing is far more powerful than anything you write trying to be someone else. You're real. You're honest. You don't sugarcoat life. I look up to you so, so much, and that's partially /because/ you don't pretend you aren't a mess. (Hopefully that doesn't come across as rude? Woops) You're you. Genuine and messy and trying to figure out this life thing and falling apart and looking to God and so incredibly inspiring?
    I probably am one of those aesthetic-y people. (I mean okay, I'm kind of obsessed with my aesthetic, so at least I hope I am.) Maggie Stiefvater's web of subtext overlaid with beautiful writing is something I aspire to create in some of my own work one day. And it's so easy to see people who have something going for them and think you should /be/ them. I've done it with Maggie. I've done it with you. But there's something in each of us that is so unique and worthwhile and real. And allowing myself to be Emily instead of trying to be Aimee or Maggie or Carlyn or Brandon (Sanderson, if that wasn't clear) is, like, the greatest thing I can do? And it honors God so much more than seeing others and searching for ways to make myself like them?
    So that's what I got out of this post. (and that's actually something I've been trying to figure out for like six years so um thank you??) You keep being Aimee. Messy and comfortable and stressed and down to earth and real. And I'll keep being Emily. Daydreaming and writing mediocre poetry and taking aesthetic pictures and also very much a mess and just as real. Also making typos. ("my name is alexander hamiltob, i'm at your service, sir" "...okay if you want to be successful the first step is to never open your mouth again")
    ALSO THIS COMMENT IS PROBABLY SUPER LONG AND POSSIBLY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT MAKING SENSE IS OVERRATED, SO HERE YOU GO??

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    1. Ugh thank you so much??? This means a lot to me and I just love you a lot, darling, you're the nicest and loveliest.

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  7. Ahh, I love this. Thank you for your honesty - it has done a world of good in helping me to accept my own mess.
    God is good!

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    1. I'm glad you liked it! Let's embrace being messes. :P

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  8. Well this post was just a big mess of inspiring and relatable and honesty and WOW I loved it. Thank you for being so honest, because from that can come the most extraordinary things.

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm glad it was helpful -- it's hard for me to be honest, but I'm working on it. Sigh.

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  9. Okay, I could either be all flowery and leave a long loquacious comment or I could just get to the point. I'm a mess too, and I hide it under my secondhand hipster aesthetic and the pretense that I know where I'm going and that's the way it works for me and your post was just in time because I was starting to realize that everyone is a mess and it scared me a little, but now I'm not so scared. So thank you. The world needs more messes like you. Keep up the good fight girl!

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    1. I'm so glad you liked my post and found it helpful! Being a mess is scary, but it's also so freeing.

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  10. YES we missed you, Aimee! *hugs* Thank you for being so honest, this was an inspiring post (and I must say, I can relate to you in many, messy ways). And YES we're killing it *fistbump*. EVERYONE SINGLE MESSY PERSON IS EPIC.

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  11. I'm so glad you're back! I thank you for making this post and being so honest. It's super encouraging and inspiring for me, because lately I've been feeling similarly (though if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure I'm way worse). Like you said, everyone's a mess in some capacity. You're a pretty awesome mess. You're super creative and unique, and your writing style is beautiful. It's simultaneously blunt and artistic, and I haven't read anything like it. God made you amazing and unique, (whoops, I sound like Veggie Tales.) and I really look up to you. Anyway, bless this post. (As always, sorry for how awkward and badly worded this is. I haven't had a ton of sleep.)

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    1. I'm glad I'm back too! And thank you so much for all the nice words. *blushes awkwardly*

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  12. Oh yeah, one more thing (insert Hamilton gif here). Your Pinterest is gorgeous. That is all. Sorry.

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  13. I loved this so so much. I guess I always feel like the way I am on the internet isn't all of me, and that's okay. Like, my school person isn't my family person, and the person I am in my brain isn't the same as any of those people. I totally empathised with like this whole post=just yes. And I think an honest, un poetic and blunt Aimee is just fabulous :)

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    1. Thank you! I like my blunt self, it's just hard to feel like it's okay for liking that. *shrugs*

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  14. ugh I love this and I love that we posted kind of about the same thing today -- about being real. And I love you and your blog because you are just you and you are a wonderful person and amazing in your aesthetically messy way. (i cannot compliment. carry on.)

    OKAY EXCEPT THE ONLY THING I DISAGREE WITH HERE IS THAT YOUR PINTEREST IS HIGHLY AESTHETIC AND YOU ARE KIND OF THE GREATEST AT THAT. xD

    but I love this. I love your blog. Love youuu. <3

    // katie grace
    a writer's faith

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    1. We didddd post about the same thing we are twins without even doing it on purpose xD
      LOVE YOUUU

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  15. Honestly, I think it's the people who look like they have life most together that often are missing the point. Life was never meant to be easy or pretty.
    Besides, I enjoy your writing and your blogging and your style. That's why I keep coming back. For what it's worth, I hope you feel better about yourself.
    You certainly help me along, and that means so much more to me than pretty pictures or poetry ever would.

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  16. I 100% get this: I suck at bookstagram too (hades, I don't even have an instagram), I cannot do the aesthetic, and for a lot of the summer, I felt like a failure because I had no idea what I was doing. But like you said, God doesn't make mistakes and we are all awesome in our own ways, even when it seems like it's taking too long to figure it out. :)

    And for the record, I think your style is pretty epic and I love what I've read of your characters. :D To recovering from insecurity and celebrating our beautiful uniqueness!


    Alexa
    thessalexa.blogspot.com
    verbosityreviews.com

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    1. Ugh bookstagram and aesthetic stuff is the hardest and so frustrating, especially when you realize you're just not inclined towards that in the first place. Sigh. But thank you!

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  17. you're amazing Aimee.
    I love you in all your messiness and chaos. I love your writing and your instagram feed and your fashion. You are perfectly unique and special. God is proud of you. I am too.

    stay strong, gorgeous <3

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    1. Oh my goodness thanks so much! You're so sweet. <3

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  18. Thank you, thank you, Aimee. Awkwardly enough, depression and binging and cutting are all not nearly as glamorous as they seem on Pinterest. Coincidentally, I also recently gave up on fashion: I'm just going to accept that I want to wear black jeans and Toms and random band t-shirts, and I don't want to put my brainpower towards figuring out how to wear legwarmers. We're both still cool and artistic and bright. Thanks again for sharing. You wrote the truth, and the truth is beautiful.

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    1. *hugs* Thank you! Amen to everyone being awesome in their own styles. :D

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  19. This. This felt so you. And I'm so glad about that because being you is what I want you to want to be. (Goodness, that's a tongue twister.) All you can do is do your best at what you do. This was great and I totally agreed with what you said. *hugs*

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  20. I've not commented before, but I've been powerfully impressed by your clean, clear writing style and your knowledge of technique. There isn't anyone here, myself included, who couldn't benefit from your good advice. --Ray

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  21. Wow. Just wow. Thanks for being honest, I could find myself relating to you a lot in this post. I'm a GINORMOUS mess.

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    1. I'm glad you like it! Fellow messes unite.

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  22. Sometimes the most beautiful writing is straight-forward, blunt and honest - like you were here in this post. And that's pretty amazing. Obviously I only know you as a random person who reads and comments on your blog sometimes, but from what I've seen, you're a pretty fantastic young novelist and I think you're crafting some pretty fantastic stories. Also, you yourself seem pretty fantastic. So just keep it up. <3

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    1. *high fives* You're pretty awesome too -- thank you for being so sweet and encouraging.

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  23. Yes, I missed you. SO MUCH. But we all need breaks. Every single one of us. And being that little bit different isn't so bad :)

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  24. If it's any consolation, I'm kind of a mess too: I sleep in late every day except for Tuesday's, I am a chocolate-obsessed freak, I almost never exercise anymore, I am totally not normal, and I'm so far behind with school. But I'm okay with all of that, you know why? Because I'm God's mess. God has a perfect plan for me, and while I'm a disaster at times, I rest assured in the fact that God can use my mess for His Glory! And you know what? He can do the same for you! Just look at Jeremiah 29:11 and you'll see that God's plan for you is so much more perfect than you could ever imagine! Praying for you Aimee! ;)

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hey. hey. talk to me. i'm a fan of comments and flailing with you. go for it.