I Want To Be Important

12:35 PM


Honesty tiiiiiiime.


I'm not content to just write.

This is the real talk here, guys. I believe in writing because you love it. I believe in focusing on the here and now, not getting blown away or overwhelmed. I believe in just writing the story you want to tell.

I also want to be...well, awesome.

I want to be the next G.R.R. Martin. I want to be the Stephen Moffat of authors. I want to be the next Lin-Manuel Miranda (HAH). I want to be a creative person, known for my unique stories, my feelsy writing, my all-around creativity. I want to write graphic novels and do a podcast and just generally be...well, someone who lives a creative and awesome life. More than that, I want to be someone important. Someone well-known.
Image result for i'm kind of a big deal gif

There are so many books out there. If I don't achieve awesomeness, what will my contributions matter? They'll just be another drop in the bucket and we don't need that.

I think we need to talk about this and be honest about it because really, we all want to be famous and important, don't we? Important. We toss that word around. We're not important, the world doesn't need us, our story isn't important enough for the world to want it and unless it is then what even is the point. We know that's a bad attitude to have, we're not stupid. But it's not easy to eradicate. And for me, it tends to rule my life and the things I do.

I have to think of a creative enough story, or it won't be important and make me famous.

I have to do something like a podcast or a graphic novel or something not because I want to, but because I have to stand out.

My writing has to stand out. My voice has to jump off the page.

I have to do something so outrageous that it captures attention. I have to write the next Hamilton right here right now and revolutionize something.
Image result for lin manuel miranda gif
i'm sorry just. just look at his face.
You know what? If you're expecting a revelation, for me to have a realization that oh, yeah, fame doesn't matter -- if you think I have an awe-inspiring tweet-worthy solution -- then you're in the wrong place. Because I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my head. I know they're incorrect. But I don't have the answer.

I just...I've just got thoughts, man, as usual.

I want to be important. I want to be famous. I wanna be the best, like no one ever was. And it's hard not to let that paralyze me and force me into something I'm not, a box I don't want to be in but feel like I should inhabit. 

I. Don't. Know. 
Image result for stranger things joyce gif
current mood: joyce byers
And the thing is...in a creative life, pursuing art, which is something I want to do, I won't ever be able to know for sure if I'll become important. This isn't an office job; I can't measure results, I can't work toward a definite goal, I can't just work my way up to the top and know I'm getting there. I wish I could, but I can't. None of us can. We can't plan on anything.

I like control. I have no control in the profession I've chosen. I hate it, but it's true, so I'm kind of stuck with it. My whole life is uncertain right now, and I'm starting to question if I should do this. Does God really want me to do this? Shouldn't I go with something safe, something I know I can succeed in? Surely I shouldn't be doing this if I"m a control freak. 

But I do have control. 

I don't like the level of control I have. It doesn't seem like enough. It's hard. 

I can control what I write. What I create. I can keep at it. That's all I can do.

I can keep writing. 

I can put out that podcast I really want to put out. (More on that later.) 

I can pursue writing comics and graphic novels, which is something that fascinates me more and more. 

I can keep reading, engaging, learning, growing. 

I. Can. Keep. Writing, dangit, even when I don't want to. 

Like everything else in life, I have to take things one step at a time. 

And you know what? I don't like that one bit. I don't like uncertainty. 

Sometimes, though, it's not necessarily about what I like. Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other in the dark, and if I keep that up, if I put out things that are quality and keep improving -- which I can do -- it's not going to fail me. 

So, for now...
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me, always. 

22 comments

  1. Man, this is very true and interesting. I do think a lot of people feel this in some way or another. Everyone has their own unique reasons for wanting to change the world, and this has always been the case. I do sometimes, but I also feel a lot of uncertainty about the future, and I have no idea what I want to do. My grades are average, my artistic abilities are average, my motivation is pretty darn low, and the future is terrifying.
    Half of today's culture tells young people that we can do anything, be anything, and accomplish anything we want. The other half tells us to give up because reality sucks and we'll never amount to anything. Both extremes are bad. The key, in my experience (though I've mostly learned through failure and trial-by-error) is to trust God with your life, which sounds (and sometimes feels) empty and terrifying and unhelpful. I haven't really figured it out yet.
    Whoops, that got off-topic. Anyway, I think you definitely have the potential to really impact people with your writing, so just don't give up. Trust God, and take things as they come, but always look for the big picture. I don't know what else to say, really.

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    1. For me it really is about trusting God with my life, and realizing that if I'm following him, whatever I do is going to be important in the only way that matters. So for now I'm forging ahead, practicing, practicing, practicing, and that can get you a long way.

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  2. DANGGGGG, Dang, girl, dang, THISSSS!!! Okay, I have never seen someone put this feeling, this torturous ambition into words that resonated so strongly with me. In fact, I don't know if I've seen ANYONE put this into words. It's so paradoxical but so REAL. Thank you for your honestly, Aimee, I needed this today. I've been freaking out about my future because as an English major, a creative person, I have next to zero control over what happens. I can only keep going. So sometimes I want to play it safe, and yet, at the same time, I want to be an anomaly. Important. Anyhow, sorry, to chat your ear off. It's just, wow, I feel ya girl. BEST WISHES!!! And just fyi, I think you're pretty dang talented. You've got a good chance of being 'important'. (-;

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    1. I'm glad you appreciated this! It was hard to write -- we'd all like to pretend that we're humble and okay with not being "important" and special and not in control, but we really need to acknowledge the reality that those feelings are, y'know, there.

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  3. Thank you for your honesty. You put into words so much of what I've been feeling for...well, years. I want my books to be important. I want to make a big impact. And how can I do that if I sell only a few copies? And yet there's the struggle you talked about, trying to hit the right formula for success while still being genuine. Ugh.

    Not to mention the lack of control in our profession! It's not like business or medical science or law, where you have clear cut steps for where to go to school, what to take, what degrees to get, etc. And even once you do figure out how you want to get there, there's no one measuring stick for success. It's frustrating.

    But it's worth it because we love to write. And we want to matter. So like you said, we can just keep writing. Meantime, I have to trust God to guide me through this messy career choice.

    And by the way, I can totally see you and your stories mattering a lot one day. Keep your chin up. <3

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    1. Art is so out of control and you can't plan on it, sometimes it's just being in the right place at the right time, so it's definitely terrifying. And it's so, so easy to get caught up in that terror and be paralyzed by it! Thank you <3

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  4. Oh my gosh. Wow, Aimee. This spoke directly to me. I'm just that person too -- I want to be famous. I want to start something awesome, make a change in the world. But there's no formula for that and I have no idea what I'm doing -- except trusting God. And you know, I believe that if He's given us this passion to do big and awesome and amazing things, He's not going to let it waste. We just have to wait.

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    1. It's so, so hard, and I suck at trusting God...but in the end, that's really what it's about.

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  5. I love you for your honesty. I love your blog and your voice and how much you represent a lot of what I feel most of the time. you are important.

    I feel that way so much. sometimes the weight makes me want to give up. when you look at all the important people in the world, you can start to feel like you dont matter. I hate my photography a lot of the time because Its waaaaay too common. not artistic enough. not pushing the boundaries of art. I feel boring. and if I cant be the best photographer the world has ever seen since Sally Mann, then why bother?

    I dont have an answer either. aside from do it anyway.

    I really do adore you. I cant wait to buy your books someday

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    1. Thank you so much! You're so encouraging. :)

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  6. Friend sent me here. This is pretty much how I feel, too.

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  7. I relate, I really want my writing and art to mean something to inspire someone, but will it. I hate not knowing how it will play out, so I understand completely.

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    1. yeah, it's not really something we have control over most of the time, and that can be TERRIFYING, ugh.

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  8. Yessss, my life goal. I want to be the next author that writes books everyone flails over. I mean, that thought is also seriously panic-inducing....but also: WANT. I think writers need to believe in themselves more. POWER OF THE MIND, YAS.

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    1. BELIEVEEEE IN YOURSELF. It's so important. :D

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  9. Aimee thank you for this post! I feel like this all the time! The burden of being a creative haha and getting into a job of uncertainty even though you can't stand uncertainty!

    Down The Rabbit Hole

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    1. Sometimes I think that going into art is the worst thing ever. It's so stressful, and there's so much self-inflicted pressure on you because of that lack of control. But at the same time, we have to remember that we all have unique voices, and we should keep creating rather than being paralyzed by fear.

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  10. This is so freaking true. I feel the same way. I want to be important, I want what I do to matter. But considering how few people like that there are...it's scary, isn't it? I don't have answers either. I guess we've both just got to keep writing and keep hoping, haha.

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    1. *hugs* Keeping it up is hard, but the most important thing! Perseverance is important.

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  11. (ACK totally thought I had commented on this already)
    My feelings exactly - you wrote this post so well. It is kinda intimidating, wanting to be important and working your heart out and seeing that nothing has come of it yet. BUT I'M GOING TO SHOOT FOR THE STARS UNTIL I REACH THEM! *is very stubborn*
    (that last gif though XD)

    ~ Savannah
    scattered-scribblings.blogspot.com

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hey. hey. talk to me. i'm a fan of comments and flailing with you. go for it.