"how are you so productive, aimee?" // a foolproof guide to being as busy as me7:00 AM
Because people keep asking me how I do it and expressing dismay over all the things I manage to get done.
"How are you so productive, Aimee?"
"How do you find time to read AND write AND blog AND do all the things AND get them all done?"
"How are you such a fast reader/writer?"
All questions I get on a regular basis on my Twitter or in Instagram/blog comments and so on and so forth. Apparently, I am a productive human being with a talent for getting crap done, and y'all want to know how I do it, since you apparently won't believe that it's magic. you wish it was magic. Since I'm a benevolent future world ruler who loves and appreciates my followers, I have decided to give you the gift of secrets. Namely, the secrets behind how I do all this.
Most of them, anyway.
"is this a joke?" you laugh nervously.
This is not a joke. This is a productivity tip that will save your life, trust me. Crying frantically over all the things you have to do, staining the paper/keyboard with your bitter tears, is the best way to get things done. It's how I do everything, in fact. I don't start working until I've cried in despair and overwhelming feelings for at least two hours.
It's just science.
2. Mountain Dew
Ah yes, the blessed elixir.
You just can't be productive and on the top of your game without a body-vibrating caffeine rush, the likes of which you can only get from about five or six cans of Mountain Dew per day. You think tea makes you productive, or worse, coffee? Amateurs. Heavily sugared and caffeinated soda is the fuel of the future. You don't need food or water when you have Mountain Dew in your veins 24/7.
That no-sleep and caffeine crash side affect? A minor detail.
3. ignoring all life responsibilities.
How are you going to get writing and reading done if work is a thing? Or school? Or sports/music? Or any other priority? Cast everything aside and join me in the pit of true creative productivity, where schoolwork doesn't matter -- just let it pile up -- and you never need to leave the house.
Time management is crucial. It's easy, too, once you follow in my footsteps and master the fine art of dodging responsibilities and pushing everything but words aside until a later date.
"This sounds counterproductive, Aimee."
In order to truly get things done, to truly be as productive as me, you have to understand the power of Netflix or any other video streaming service. (Youtube works too, magically.) You haven't truly gotten things done until you've fallen down the rabbithole of watching the entirety of The Office in two weeks or binging Marvel shows for hours and days on end. Important, too, is my highly recommended strategy of doing things while watching shows. For example, why would you pour your whole heart and soul into editing a printed-out novel of yours when you could edit it as you also watch sixteen X-Files episodes in a row? Boom. Now you've knocked out both inspiration and editing.
Netflix counts as research and inspiration, always. If you want to be like me you have to keep your brain fed.
|allow me to recommend daredevil. or x-files. or parks and rec. or psych.|
5. blood sacrifice.
6. more weeping.
7. pizza. always crucial.
8. Pinterest. once again, you gotta feed your brain. get that research in. totally inspiring, those endless hours of scrolling.
9. carpal tunnel.
if you don't have extreme wrist pain and end up in wrist braces half the time, you're doing it wrong.
10. a towering, all-consuming TBR pile
if your books aren't threatening to murder you in your sleep at any second, you're also doing it wrong.
11. the void of the internet
The true cause of all productivity and good things, ever. I get all my ideas and motivation from scrolling through the void of Twitter at 3AM. Of course.
This is the ultimate key to productivity, really, guys. Pay attention to this one.
I would not be able to hustle half as hard if not for my incredibly soft and cozy sweatpants. This is, again, just science. I don't make the rules.
|actual footage of me.|
If you want to be as productive as me you must obtain at least one (1) cat. Preferably a fluffy cat but hey, I can't stop you from other breeds and varieties. No matter what kind of cat you go with, you're not going to get anywhere unless you have a judgmental furry overlord stepping on your keyboard and your open books every time you try to get something done. It really motivates you to move quickly.
14. fuzzy socks.
15. the attention span of a sleep-deprived hamster on drugs
Being easily distracted and way too good and also awful at multitasking is the number one thing you need if you ever hope to accomplish as much as I do, guys. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. Not everyone has the gift. If you do, join me in learning how to use that distraction for good, and get ALL the things done. Always.
It's simple, really. If you follow these steps to the letter and accomplish them all...maybe, just maybe, you have a chance at being as productive as me.