i'm not a poet, but i have a lot of feelings.

7:00 AM


(this is a rambling post about a rambling thing, about the things on my mind. Bear with me, kay? And excuse my lack of poetry.)

i took this all by mahself because those blurry lights, tho.
I'm not a poet.

That much should be fairly obvious. Even in the world of blogging, I don't exactly come out like the writing/life blog I sometimes feel like I should be. I don't know how to take words and turn them into something pretty, or go lowercase perfectly-worded aesthetic-y words that capture what I'm thinking and feeling. Most of the time, it's me sitting down at the keyboard and vomiting out all my thoughts at the last possible minute, ft. gifs and awkward phrasing and internet slang. Maybe it's my ESTP practicality, maybe it's just not my gift. I'm a writer, but I'm certainly not a poet. That world of pretty phrases and allusions and things that are like other things and collecting just the write words in the right places eludes me. *shrug*
feelin' personally attacked by the accuracy.

The problem is, I'm also not a heartless maniac (if you've read Pariah, this may surprise you). I have...a lot of feelings, and ideas, and concepts, and things that tangle up in my head and get stuck, and let's be real here, it's a lot easier to write about flowers between your ribs and oil in your throat than it is to say "I can't breathe and I want to rip my skin off sometimes." I'm a blunt person and I like it that way. But some things are just too blunt to be comfortably said out loud, and I...don't know how to turn those into beautiful things. 

I don't know how to make this pretty. I don't know how to make it anything more than what it is. 

Maybe this sounds weird or ridiculous or unnecessary to you. Maybe it only makes sense to me. But hey, it's coming out anyway, so #dealwithit. It's something that's frustrated me for a long time. Poetry is a way to put living breathing feelings on paper; pretty words are a way to so elegantly and perfectly capture the way something feels, the essence of the thing. But I don't know how to untangle everything I'm feeling and everything that's in my head and put it into something that understandable or powerful.  
like this, for example. i love this.
I want to make people feel it. 

I want to make myself feel it. 

I want to let it spill out. 

Everything just feels weird and I'll either say it flat-out (which sounds fake even to me, okay) or I'll bury it so deep into those fictional characters of mine that I'm the only one who knows, which is what ends up happening most of the time. 

I can't deal with this stuff unless I've removed myself from the feelings by a few degrees. 

you still with me? it's sounding nonsensical even to me at this point.

I don't write poetry. I can't write poetry. All the things I want to say don't really feel genuine or right to me unless I've put them in characters; that's how I process things, and I don't know if that's healthy or not. Pariah (the main character Sachi in particular) is an ode to all the restlessness that makes me want to run away and all the bluntness in me, in fact. Havard, my pet project, is where I've spilled a little bit of everything -- some really, really personal crap and feelings that wouldn't get into pretty words. 
i just really like this one, i think (source/author)
It could all just come down to the simple fact that I don't know how to make a mess nice. I don't really know how to do anything except explode all over whoever's around me and then try to piece it together later. So when I try to get poetical and make things feel right...this is how we get frustration and issues, y'all. Lots and lots of insecurities. 

Maybe you're a bad writer, Aimee. 

Maybe you don't know how to write about feelings. 

Maybe your writing just sucks. 

No, no, and no. I think. Probably. I have to tell myself that. 

I'm not a feely person. I'm not a poetic person. I'm a visual, blunt, practical person, and I'd probably rather hit you over the head with the messy real fact of the matter than be poetical. (As much as I wish for poetry sometimes because it's very admirable.)

That's okay. 

That has to be okay. 

I don't have to be a poet. You don't have to be a poet. We all approach the world from different viewpoints, with different ways of processing things, and I don't think that pressure I feel to make my words nice and rhythmic and "quotable" is good. I don't think I need to force myself to write or process things in a way I'm not meant to, even if it feels like "everyone else is" or it's the only way to write. 

I don't have to be a poet. 

I don't have to be a poet. 

I don't have to be a poet. 

(and again, for good measure, I don't have to be a poet.)

Maybe my words are supposed to just...smack you over the head bluntly or something. Maybe it's about my characters and not how poetic and smooth my writing is. Maybe that's just how it is. 

This is like, the weirdest post ever. And I apologize for that. But I think it's worth remembering: we all have our own style. Our own way of looking at the world. We need poetry, and we need plain-and-simple writing. We need thinkers and feelers and practical people and poets of all types. We need it all. 'S all good here. 

G'night.

is this the most incoherent post ever? (probably.) how do you feel about poetry? what's in your mind right now? tell me all.

22 comments

  1. I love you. I really do.
    you're absolutely right. you dont have to be a poet. I think its awesome how blunt you are. some people need that. not everyone gets impacted by flowery language and all that. some people need mere facts. some people need to get smacked on the head with bluntness. so we need people who write like that.
    Im a poet, but I understand you 100% when you say you write through your characters. I do that too. that makes perfect sense. whenever Im going through a hard time, I write my novel. its a way to help me clear my head.

    this is a long comment. but I want you to know that you made perfect sense and I appreciate your writing. dont let your insecurities bully you.

    keep writing.

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    1. Love you too <3 We need all kinds of writers, and I'm trying to get that.

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  2. I love poetry, but super-descriptive, "poetic"-type writing in prose has never cut it for me. Not that I don't think it's good writing, it's just not my style. But I do get the pressure of wanting all your words to sound lovely and polished and profound--to feel like you're actually saying something important. It's something I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about. It's nice to know that other writers are struggling too.

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    1. I keep having to remind myself that there's all kinds of writers and all kinds of poets, and so many styles. And we need all of them, y'know? They're all important.

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  3. I have this unrealistic dream of letting words flow from my pen and onto the page so effortlessly and beautifully, each line more lyrical and gorgeous than the last, talking about spiderwebs and sunlight and what depression feels like. I want to write something meaningful and something that will last. But I can't. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to meet my idea of what I should write like. But maybe I don't have to.

    This post was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

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    1. Ugh, wouldn't that be nice? But we all have our own style and way of approaching words, as hard as it is to realize that sometimes.

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  4. I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but all of your writing that I've read is very poetic. At least, I think it is. You have such an amazing way with words and you use them in ways that I'd never think to, and it's beautiful.
    Because I think poetry comes in all different forms. Your poetry is blunt and strange and hits people over the head and oh my gosh, Aimee, it's amazing. Embrace your own weird kind of poetry.

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  5. The world has different types of people, and so there's different kind of artists to satisfy the different kinds of people. I think that's the best thing about art; there's no one, right way to do it.
    Regardless, I've seen very little of your writing, and I love it. I admire concise honesty, and you do it so well.

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm learning more and more about this every day.

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  6. Great entry as usual :D ( I don't comment nearly enough but it is my resolution to change that this year!)

    This is actually something I've been struggling with. On the one hand, I am not really the sort of writer who goes in for tons of metaphors and symbolism, fashioning a glorious word tapestry that is--yes--nearly like poetry. Though I don't mind if ANOTHER writer uses these techniques and might enjoy reading their artistic prose.

    (Now as for actual poetry, I like reading it sometimes but don't write much)

    But on the other hand, I'm not really a "tell it like it is", no holds barred writer who just lays everything out, cards spread on the table.(Woops, was that an artsy symbolic metaphor?) Too much detail can sound clinical, or like I'm overexplaining to my readers. Neither quite works for me, so I often feel like I struggle to discover a third option.

    Yet, I think you hit the nail on the head above in one single phrase.

    maybe it's just not my gift

    I think that if something is your gift, or if it comes naturally to you, then it will be revealed, in the course of your struggle to be a better writer.

    You ARE in the process of becoming a better writer, because you write, because you struggle, because you strive for something better, and though I only "know" you through your blog, you sound like an amazing person who has a lot of amazing things to say.

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    1. Ugh, it's so hard, because we all feel like we should be writing one way, "beautifully", or so on in order to be good. But there's all different kinds of writing, and if you keep writing, you'll find your style.

      I hope.

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  7. You know, I think you're very poetic. Maybe not in the traditional flowery sense, but the blunt honest stuff you write tends to be absolutely gorgeous. "Poetry" doesn't have to be perfect imagery and colors, it can be harsh and painful. Compact language written in disjointed groups? That's fine. That's poetry. Your writing is amazing, and I admire you for constantly striving to improve it.
    I get what you're saying about communicating your deeper feelings through your characters. I think a lot of us do that to a degree.

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    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate that a lot.

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  8. poetry is such a weird egg. it seems so simple. so easy to write. I mean, it's just a few sentences and phrases thrown together, right? no. it's a whole LIFETIME of emotion and feeling wrapped up in the right words, and those words are so hard to find. I love writing poetry. there's something amazing and heartbreaking about the feeling, and 99% of the time I end up crying a little. but it happens so rarely, and most of the time when I try to write a poem, nothing comes out right. and I hate that. so I guess I really get what you're saying--it's frustrating to want to let it pour out...but not have the right words. or to have the right words, but not have the right feeling. but the most important thing, like you said, is to remember that you DON'T have to be a poet. it's okay if you don't have the right words or the right feeling. and that, in and of itself, is sort of freeing.

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    1. Words, man, words. Words are so confusing.

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  9. Aimee, that is what I admire SO MUCH about your writing. You tell the truth, no nonsense, and that in and of itself is a gift that not many have. I have a hard time being straightforward because sometimes being honest is so painful. Poetic is not the only kind of beautiful writing in my opinion. Sometimes blunt, raw, honesty is even more beautiful. It's like you just bleed your feelings onto the page and that's incredibly brave! You are REALLY TALENTED Aimee, and the world NEEDS both kinds of writers.
    Fabulous post! best wishes,
    Lizzy <3 <3 <3

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    1. Oh gosh, thank you so much. <3 <3 There's different kinds of poetry, and I'm learning that more and more, as hard as it is.

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  10. Yeah, I think I understand where you're coming from. As far as writing style, I'm pretty sure we're on opposite ends of the spectrum (and I'm an INFJ so that might have something to do with it?); but then because I'm so perfectionist I get so frustrated sometimes that my words don't come out the way I want them to.
    Even essays and short stories and stuff. I literally write my first drafts like second or third ones because I hate having messy words.
    So yeah, I really appreciate this post, and your blog is just amazing. God gives us different gifts for different purposes, and probably writing style falls under that to some degree. You have a knack for saying very true things in a very clear and simple way, which is great. So keep at it. :D

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  11. This is so true. I'm an ESFP, which is similar to your ESTP, and I'm ultra bad at expressing my thoughts in writing. As a matter of fact, the other day I tried to post a poem post and got bashed by someone because I simply wasn't very careful about how I was writing.

    BUT I HAVE FEELINGS AND I NEED TO EXPRESS THEM.

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    1. UGH THAT'S SO RUDE. We all have different styles of writing, and certainly none of us are perfect at it. We're all just trying to figure things out as quickly as we can. :P

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