i'm not a poet, but i have a lot of feelings.7:00 AM
(this is a rambling post about a rambling thing, about the things on my mind. Bear with me, kay? And excuse my lack of poetry.)
|i took this all by mahself because those blurry lights, tho.|
That much should be fairly obvious. Even in the world of blogging, I don't exactly come out like the writing/life blog I sometimes feel like I should be. I don't know how to take words and turn them into something pretty, or go lowercase perfectly-worded aesthetic-y words that capture what I'm thinking and feeling. Most of the time, it's me sitting down at the keyboard and vomiting out all my thoughts at the last possible minute, ft. gifs and awkward phrasing and internet slang. Maybe it's my ESTP practicality, maybe it's just not my gift. I'm a writer, but I'm certainly not a poet. That world of pretty phrases and allusions and things that are like other things and collecting just the write words in the right places eludes me. *shrug*
|feelin' personally attacked by the accuracy.|
The problem is, I'm also not a heartless maniac (if you've read Pariah, this may surprise you). I have...a lot of feelings, and ideas, and concepts, and things that tangle up in my head and get stuck, and let's be real here, it's a lot easier to write about flowers between your ribs and oil in your throat than it is to say "I can't breathe and I want to rip my skin off sometimes." I'm a blunt person and I like it that way. But some things are just too blunt to be comfortably said out loud, and I...don't know how to turn those into beautiful things.
I don't know how to make this pretty. I don't know how to make it anything more than what it is.
Maybe this sounds weird or ridiculous or unnecessary to you. Maybe it only makes sense to me. But hey, it's coming out anyway, so #dealwithit. It's something that's frustrated me for a long time. Poetry is a way to put living breathing feelings on paper; pretty words are a way to so elegantly and perfectly capture the way something feels, the essence of the thing. But I don't know how to untangle everything I'm feeling and everything that's in my head and put it into something that understandable or powerful.
|like this, for example. i love this.|
I want to make myself feel it.
I want to let it spill out.
Everything just feels weird and I'll either say it flat-out (which sounds fake even to me, okay) or I'll bury it so deep into those fictional characters of mine that I'm the only one who knows, which is what ends up happening most of the time.
I can't deal with this stuff unless I've removed myself from the feelings by a few degrees.
you still with me? it's sounding nonsensical even to me at this point.
It could all just come down to the simple fact that I don't know how to make a mess nice. I don't really know how to do anything except explode all over whoever's around me and then try to piece it together later. So when I try to get poetical and make things feel right...this is how we get frustration and issues, y'all. Lots and lots of insecurities.
I don't write poetry. I can't write poetry. All the things I want to say don't really feel genuine or right to me unless I've put them in characters; that's how I process things, and I don't know if that's healthy or not. Pariah (the main character Sachi in particular) is an ode to all the restlessness that makes me want to run away and all the bluntness in me, in fact. Havard, my pet project, is where I've spilled a little bit of everything -- some really, really personal crap and feelings that wouldn't get into pretty words.
|i just really like this one, i think (source/author)|
Maybe you're a bad writer, Aimee.
Maybe you don't know how to write about feelings.
Maybe your writing just sucks.
No, no, and no. I think. Probably. I have to tell myself that.
I'm not a feely person. I'm not a poetic person. I'm a visual, blunt, practical person, and I'd probably rather hit you over the head with the messy real fact of the matter than be poetical. (As much as I wish for poetry sometimes because it's very admirable.)
That has to be okay.
I don't have to be a poet. You don't have to be a poet. We all approach the world from different viewpoints, with different ways of processing things, and I don't think that pressure I feel to make my words nice and rhythmic and "quotable" is good. I don't think I need to force myself to write or process things in a way I'm not meant to, even if it feels like "everyone else is" or it's the only way to write.
I don't have to be a poet.
I don't have to be a poet.
I don't have to be a poet.
(and again, for good measure, I don't have to be a poet.)
Maybe my words are supposed to just...smack you over the head bluntly or something. Maybe it's about my characters and not how poetic and smooth my writing is. Maybe that's just how it is.
This is like, the weirdest post ever. And I apologize for that. But I think it's worth remembering: we all have our own style. Our own way of looking at the world. We need poetry, and we need plain-and-simple writing. We need thinkers and feelers and practical people and poets of all types. We need it all. 'S all good here.
is this the most incoherent post ever? (probably.) how do you feel about poetry? what's in your mind right now? tell me all.